my hobbies include making myself suffer intentionally and unintentionally
December 31 2022;
mood: chill | listening to: sailor saturn - macross 82-99
I've been meaning to sit down and write a diary entry for a few days but I've just been either busy or tired! Or both! But I finally have a tiny bit of time to myself right now before I head over to my parents' house to celebrate the New Year so this is the perfect time for me to scribble down some thoughts.
So when my sister came into town, we went to pick up up since her flight arrived pretty late at night (almost midnight) and I just didn't trust her taking an Uber to our parents home (because I'm paranoid...) It was so wonderful seeing her again since the last time we drove up to VA last spring!! Her visit was chill for the most part until she decided to be kind of a butthead one day (idk what it is with little sisters and their temper tantrums LOL) but other than that...a very nice time filled with lots of food. BUT she freaking got my entire family sick because she caught a bug while traveling. So for the past few days I've been sick again...I feel like this year I've been nothing but sick!!!!!! I'm really over it!
The Christmas Eve dinner went fine with my in-laws. Loud as usual...by now they are very used to me, so they didn't get their feelings hurt when I kind of buzzed off and played around on my phone in the living room. I did try to pipe up in conversation every now and then but meh. I was just too tired after all the cleaning and cooking. I made this homemade baked macaroni and cheese that they were all raving about but when I tasted it I hated it so much LMAO. It was just so rich and cheesy...truly made me sick. I guess that's the difference in our taste palates...
The next day was Christmas at my family's house!! My mom made a request that me and my sister get made up for a photo We both complained because we like being crusty and lazy HAHA but we humored my mom. We took a pic in matching Christmas pajamas...
There's nothing like being reminded you're the ugliest woman in your family but that's an entry for another day lmaooo. Anyways, my gift to my mom was a success and for the first time EVER she was touched! I was shocked but very happy because it was very hard for me to find a good copy of the dvd box set since it's not in production anymore. She would tell me stories of her favorite anime growing up called キャンディキャンディ(Candy Candy) so I really wanted to gift it to her. Was kind of expensive but worth it! We also got her a giftcard to one of the popular med spas in our area because she loves getting facials.
We got my dad PSN and iTunes cards because that was what he wanted (as usual) and my sister received some books and games that were on her wishlist. I received the most presents this year!! I was kinda shocked at that. I'm sooooo happy with what I got though
A few gift highlights:
So other than Christmas celebrations, we didn't really do much?? Just ate a lot. Ordered a lot of food. Watched s2 of Singles Inferno and Love is Blind Japan LOL. A lot of trash reality TV but honestly my favorite times with my sister are just hanging around junking it up and watching dumb stuff. I also sent off a package to my lovely friend today!! So I hope it arrives to her soon. Now that I think about it, I should have sent it with the faster shipping but I'm braindead and it didn't even occur to me until now..
I kind of wanted to write a ~deep~ diary entry about New Years resolutions and reflecting on this past year but..tbh this year my mental health was in the dumpster!!! So I don't want to write about it and make myself sad. (Also I'm running out of time and gotta start getting ready to leave the house in like 40 minutes aaaaa) I really want 2023 to be a year of healing and good vibes but we will see how it goes...
This was a rushed and dumb entry but I wanted to squeeze it in before the year ended!!
December 15 2022;
about that dinner...
mood: tired | listening to: nothing
SO. I'm not gonna lie. I had an absolutely awful time at that dinner. I felt so out of place, and freakish. Everyone already knew each other (so that was strike one) and I also just felt completely out of my element. I'm fairly certain I was one of the younger people there...and everyone looked so "normie" (I hate describing them that way but there's no other way that I can. Think sun-tanned, blonde, lululemon yoga mom types.) Like 99% of the mingling time, I was just seated by myself at the corner of a table messing around on my phone.
Everyone was really nice to me when I did say hi!!!! But I don't know how to talk to new people and how to enjoy it, to be quite frank. A lot of the dinner discussion was about work, HOAs, and how they regularly spend $415 on fruit at the "fancy" grocery store. I remember this number because it was so absurd to me, I'm sure I looked like a gaping fish LOL. I was kind of embarrassed too because I knew it was a nicer restuarant but I didn't know it was ~fine dining~ so 99% of the women were in beautiful evening dresses and I rolled up in some clunky black platform mary-janes and a black Swankiss top. That's my fault though because even though I googled the restuarant, I just went straight to the menu LOL
When I had my phone on the table, it felt like everyone stopped to poke and prod at my whipped decoden phone case. IDK something about it was so embarassing!!!! I felt like such a weirdo. And I kept getting asked, "Where are you from?" I really hate being asked that because it's just their way of asking what kind of asian are you? I would just answer, "Oh I lived in California for a bit before moving down here" and thank GOD a lot of them got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I just think that it's not important to talk about tbh and I'm even like that online for the most part (I usually just give the generic answer of 'just Asian' lmao) because I don't want to be put up on a pedestal as anyone's "waifu" online (which happened a lot when I was younger, which is gross) but I guess it doesn't matter anyways because I'm not the trendy Asian of the decade (thoughts and prayers out there to my Korean sisters, I know k-boos are really...something else haha.)
Anyways, beside the awful social time..the food was pretty good. I ordered some kind of fish..but the serving was so small, I was still starving after the dinner We had to stop and get fast food on the way home because I'm greedy like that LOL. I tried to sneak a picture of the food (no one else was taking pics of their food!!!! so it was kind of embarassing to whip out my phone and take a pic like a peasant) I got a super close up shot that makes the food look bigger than it was and kinda unappetizing...
Poopy said he felt very awkward too, but I was like WHEN? You charming bastard LOL. He had people laughing and engaging in great conversation. I kind of just sat there besides him, quiet and nibbling on bread like a mouse haha. But it definitely was nice to see him in his element. He's so charming and handsome hehe, I love him very much.
Plus seeing him with his dress shirt sleeves rolled up..LMAO. i'm allowed to be cringe and simp over his forearms OKAY?
Anyways a picture of my makeup because I really liked it even though it was kind of simple:
At the end of the night, I was freaking exhausted from the whole ordeal. It felt like it lasted forever and when we got home, I speed-washed my face and then passed out like immediately. I woke up yesterday feeling like a truck hit me...I was like hungover?? From just being around people. LOL. So I stayed home from work for once and got lots of stuff done around the house. I did like 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and dishes, straightened up the living room and bathrooms. It doesn't seem like much probably to a Normal Functioning Adult™ but I hate cleaning and am usually too depressed to do anything but lay around. Poopy has been the one to handle most of the cleaning our entire relationship...but I thought, huh, that wasn't so bad, maybe I can be a stay-at-home wife after all HAHA.
I finally ended up decluttering and cleaning my Playstation shelf. I'm going to tackle my Nintendo & Manga shelf next but I'm currently waiting on some organizational stuff to arrive.
not pictured: my bajillion PS2 games. i might get a bigger desk so i can move my desktop tower on it. right now, it's sitting on the shelf above my PS2 babies.
My other shelf is going to be harder to deal with I think, I have to save some space for my WOTAKOI box set that arrives next year(?) and reorganize my shoujo manga and anime DVDs. But that is a struggle for another day
Gonna need more space..
December 11 2022;
DIYs, art vs artist & some art thoughts
mood: content | listening to: reflections - toshifumi hinata
This past work week was crazy busy and I was finding myself stressed quite a bit. I'm kind of just...tired. Not unhappy by any means, but I think I need a break from the office. Good thing for me I will be taking leave from work soon! I really can't wait. Super looking forward to doing nothing, hehe.
I worked on my vanity this weekend, and I'm almost done! I added some really cute rose appliques to dress it up and match my vibe more. Currently waiting for the wood glue to cure and dry and then I will be hitting the whole thing with a coat of paint because I had trouble with not getting excess glue everywhere...
Turned out pretty cute!! Though on one of the drawers, the applique is higher and slightly crooked...but I'll try to ignore it otherwise I will go nuts lol. Poopy said it wasn't noticable but I know he's being nice because he's even more eagle-eyed than I am when it comes to that kind of stuff
This week I have to come up with a dinner plan and prep for a Christmas Eve dinner with my in-laws. To be very honest, I'm really not looking forward to it....not that I don't like them. But I just get so exhausted because they are ALL such chatterboxes! I'm happy they like me but gosh, I guess I'm too introverted. I even get tired talking to my parents sometimes lol. My in-laws are very southern so I'm kind of clueless when it comes to cooking for them. I'm thinking some kind of chicken dish, roasted veggies, and a pie or cake for dessert. Meh. We were hoping to get some catering for the dinner but it's kind of expensive. So cooking it is.
I don't spend much time on social media anymore but I did notice that Art Vs Artist was going around again. I wanted to participate so bad....but I didn't want to post on twitter so I will add it to my diary. I'm looking forward to what art I will do in 2023 and how my style will evolve! This year I did a good mix of pastel art and dark/creepy-cute art. I'm hoping to focus more on world-building, story writing and drawing more meaningful pieces of my OCs in 2023.
I did a lot of pin-ups and glamour shots of new OCs and one-offs. I really want to try and draw a manga or write a novella. Can't wait to see what I can do next year! Some art goals for next year:
- Practice drawing more males. I tried to do a straight month of just drawing males this year and lasted only 3 days LOL
- Work more on my Mea Culpa-verse! I have the stories and everything written out in my head but I gotta get it down on paper. I also want to design the rest of the Fathers.
- Work on making pretty reference sheets. Something I have lots of trouble with because I am so very lazy but I've found some inspiring artists so I want to study their work.
- HAND STUDIES. lol. I hate hands. Why can I draw feet and toes just fine, but hands give me trouble? So weird. Gonna have to add some musculature studies too.
- Speaking of studies, I would really like to study some classic art and some real art technique. Nothing wrong with being an anime artist (obviously) but I would love to have some real depth and proper education when it comes to art. Maybe I will look into taking some art classes if I decide to work part-time or not at all.
I'm very hopeful for next year's art journey. I feel very at peace now that I've officially closed all commissions. I'm unsure if I will regret it later..my sister and Poopy were both very surprised. I guess they got used to me drawing commissions all the time. But that was part of the problem, I was losing my love and happiness with what started as just a hobby. I want to fall deeply in love with drawing again, so I'm taking my pen back just for MY use. I'm currently working on an art trade with a friend and it's making me happy because it's fun art, and a character that is so cute to me--so it doesn't feel like work! Admittedly, I am a little slow this time for just a chibi (long hours at the office...) but my attitude towards drawing right now is so nice. It doesn't feel like a chore.
Can't wait to doodle tomorrow!
December 05 2022;
weekend shopping, PAIN & games
mood: cramping | listening to: LAZY DANCE (Non Stop Mix ver.) - yoko oginome
This weekend was okay. I went shopping with mom and Poopy. It was fine...kind of fun. I was surprised I didn't get into any disagreements with my mom LOL. Guess we were both on our best behavior. I honestly wanted to spend the day buying gifts for everyone....but I ended up buying myself stuff instead
We stopped by the weeb shop at the mall. My mom was laughing at me because she said she never sees me excited unless I'm surrounded by nerdy stuff haha. It just makes me happy to be surrounded by media that I love..I was of course, seduced by the gachapon (as always!!)
I wanted to do multiple draws of the Sailor Moon and Gengar ones...but I settled for one each. I kinda want to go back and go the Gengar one again though, because that is one of my favorite pokemon ever!
What I got:
I wish I could've bought more but I had to remind myself I was there to shop for everyone else! I was hoping they carried the Spirited Away bento I saw last time so I could get it for my mom but they were sold out T_T
The shopping trip was the only notable thing that happened this weekend though. I spent most of the Saturday evening and Sunday sleeping. I started my period and had horrible cramps (and still have them, yay..) I always feel so wiped out and exhausted during my monthly, it's kind of annoying. Puts a halt to all of my leisure activities planned. I need to follow up with my doctor though so I can get the fibroids removed from my uterus. Apparently that will help the pain and heavy bleeding (and also help me with fertility but idc about that at all lmao)
When I happened to be awake, I spent my time trying out different demos because I want to play a new game!! I'm a little burnt out on the Yakuza series at the moment and I'm itching for something more fantasy adjacent. I tried out:
- Scarlet Nexus: Meh. I did not like the art direction, or the cutscenes. Or the focus on telekinesis in battle (I tried out the female MC, idk if the male uses the same style) I was really hoping to like this one because I had fun playing Code Vein (despite the extreme waifubait in it)
- Harvestella: I liked the style a lot more but I wasn't instantly sucked in. I might go back to this. It seems more RPG-ish than farming simulator so I'm still on the fence.
- Blue Reflection: Second Light : I played the first game and really enjoyed the magical girl story, focus on female friendships, visuals, music, and the gameplay but I was really turned off by the fact that it was moé for men. Do you know what I mean? The girls were so pretty and cute and I love the theme of the bonds of friendship, and helping eachother in times of need BUT idk. It was male-gazey in a "soft" way. I can't really explain it but it's the same way I feel about men and K-ON. Anyways, I really want to play this sequel so I might suck it up and ignore that stuff but I'm going to try and find a used copy because I am NOT paying $60usd for an experience that might annoy me
- VALKRYIE ELYSIUM: so. I have always loved the Valkyrie Profile games..and I understand some of the ~purist's~ viewpoints about the gameplay being turned into an action style rpg but this is the demo I had the most fun playing!!!! I spent almost 3 hrs in it. I have always adored the art direction in these games and VE is no different. I love a feMC that can be beautiful and strong while elegant and not sexualized. Plus the two einherjar you got in the demo were cute males LOL and I want some eyecandy too u_u I'm leaning strongly towards buying this one, even at full price.
After playing all the demos and succumbing to boredness, I ended up restarting Rune Factory 4 because I've been in the mood for some relaxing and cute fun. I ditched the save where I married that cat guy (I forgot his name) because I did NOT put in the work to feed that idiot a big fish every day just for him to say "I love you" maybe once an in-game year. Naaaur. So this run, I'm going to marry that cute deredere butler that wants to call you princess from the get-go
gonna be thinking about harvesting turnips all day
December 02 2022;
music & cringe
mood: anxious | listening to: therefore you and me (slow & reverbed) - eve
I meant to write about my Thanksgiving holiday with my family last week but I was so tired and honestly, I just forgot. It was a good dinner as usual though! My mom said she wouldn't cook so much because of it just being the four of us this year...but as usual, she made way too much food! Not that I helped hehe, I brought some stuff over for once too. I made deviled eggs (always requested by my parents for some reason, I think the ones I make are just okay and I hate cooking so much, so I don't care about perfecting the recipe lol) and I made a sugar free cherry cheese cake pudding for my mom's dietary needs. Turned out really good! Sadly no pictures though because I was too excited to eat
I didn't do any shopping though for Black Friday because I was one of the few people that had to work in the office. That's okay because there were NO good sales anyways..Even Cyber Monday sucked. I'm going to the next city over tomorrow with Poopy and my mom to go shopping at the huge mall they have there. I really don't want to go but I felt bad that my mom's Black Friday tradition was broken this year because my sister couldn't travel home for it. I think it's going to be an annoying day ngl...I hate crowds and loud noises, I know it's just going to be crazy tomorrow. But I'll suck it up and try to keep my mood mellow. I'm hoping to find some cute gacha and other things to buy for my friend Nonnie. I've been working on her gift box for a little bit and I hope to top the one I sent her in July!! I love talking to her so much...my wonderful Nonnie!! It will be a year that we've become friends in April..I'm happy that I posted to the friend finder. She really does make my heart full. I love connecting with other women online who share similar views and hobbies with me. Makes me feel a little less alone. I think there's a very different and special kind of loneliness for people with partners but no irl friends LOL.
I've been told before that being lonely when having a partner is stupid but I don't know...Reading messages and posts from other women who express the same thoughts and feelings..it just seems like such a REAL thing but I'm not eloquent enough to really explain it. I do have online friendships and acquaintances to help fill the void but sometimes it's just not enough, y'know? Not saying that Poopy doesn't fulfill me but there are parts of me that can only be filled by having that ~elusive~ feminine bond.
ANYWAYS speaking of online friends. It's that time of the year!! Spotify Unwrapped. YAHOO! I love this time because it's so fun in the group chat sharing and comparing our results. My results this year didn't surprise me too much. I've been listening to a lot of indie pop adjacent music and songs with strong beats while I drew this year. Here are some screenies of my Wrapped:
We were also talking about the "mood" page on this year's Wrapped. This comment from one of my friends made me laugh because when I first saw that page of the Wrapped I had NO clue what it meant.
But after that comment, I was like OH! That actually makes sense. In the morning I'm at the office, in the afternoon I listen to lo-fi to mellow out my bad mood after dealing with idiots all day, and then at night, I go crazy drawing lmao
When I first started writing this diary entry out I was feeling SO stressed and anxious but now I'm feeling better after looking back at the Spotify stuff lol! What I initially wanted to write about was the stress I was having over being Poopy's +1 to a Christmas dinner. It's a dinner for all the Regional Directors in his company...and he has to go now that he's got the promotion. I'm so very proud of him and all the hardwork over the years to finally "make it" but I can't help but feel a little bummed about the lifestyle change I feel that's incoming. I think it's probably tone deaf and stupid to complain about "oh no! idk what to wear to a dinner party with a bunch of 6 figure salary suits" because of all the inflation with groceries and stuff so I will just tuck away my woes in this lil stupid online journal. I just feel like I'm supposed to look a certain way as a ~wife~ of one of the higher ups in his company (i.e. white, blonde, skinny, not heavily tattooed because of the beauty standards of the city I live in) and it's making me feel garbage and weird...I'm trying to fight off these evil thoughts because these people probably don't care about me or what I look like, but I am still scarred after a life of being "othered" as a mixed kid not being asian enough or black enough for either side. LOL I really need to go to therapy HAHA
My mind went on this stupid crazy spiral because it all just started with me pondering about what the hell I'm supposed to wear to this thing!! Even as an adult, I still carry that feeling of "not fitting in" and it's so cringe...I thought I would be cool and confident by now. Ultimately, I'm happy with my hobbies and interests and tastes in certain things but I still carry those thoughts of being judged. It's dumb. I hate that I still feel like this after something as silly as being excluded in school so many years ago. I keep joking about therapy but I should really do it......
guess that's something to think about