my hobbies include making myself suffer intentionally and unintentionally

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02. 28. 23;

slow & steady wins the race

mood: okay | listening to: かなしいうれしい - Frederic

Ah. Februrary. Was awful. Mental health = bad. Physical health = bad. I've been having flare-ups that have been pretty awful...it hurts to even get my skin wet some days because of the rashes. I'm back on steriod treatment which sucks!! I have a lot more anxiety of being perceived because of the condition my skin has been in for the past month. It's rough! Even my fingers get so swollen that the skin feels tight. Hate it so much.

TMI/gross stuff here:

ALSO. I have been having such a hard time with my stomach/intestinal health. I would say it's because of all the medications I'm on currently but this severe constipation started at the end of Jan. At one point this month I was pooping blood. I was so scared. I had to call my sister (nurse) freaking out about it and she had to calm me down. I've been on a cocktail of miralax and colace ever since lol (┬┬﹏┬┬)

[REDACTED] lol

I essentially feel like this a lot of the time:

But, despite of all that and the breakdown I was going through, I'm still here. So that's something! Even through the haze of depression I'm still trying my hardest to be somewhat positive, though some days are really difficult. I'm also on new meds for that. I found a new doctor, and she's really kind. I really prefer having a female physician and therapist, honestly. I can never let my guard down or feel at ease around a man that isn't my husband or father unfortunately.

SO end of the month checklist: I haven't really consumed any new media! (Besides the weekly The Last of Us watch and dinner with Poopy. I've cried like every episode but I'm sensitive)
There was some stuff on my list I really wanted to get through in Feb but it just didn't happen. That's okay though, I've got all the time in the world to watch TV haha. My sister wants me to watch True Beauty along with her but I'm still annoyed that in the webtoon whatever-her name-is ended up with Su-ho. I am a Seo-jun girlie...but I never even finished reading it so it doesn't really matter. (It got old quick!)

Goals-wise..I really didn't achieve anything that I wanted to but that's okay. I won't beat myself up over it. I'm slowly responding to emails and messages! Though it'll take me all week I think because I really put them off. I helped Poopy with setting up his garage workshop (it's Fallout themed. He put up a Nuka Cola pinup girl that I painted for him that he calls Nuka Button because he requested that she look like me though I don't think I captured my likeness well.) I'm going to take some pictures later so I can put them on Heart Connection. I STILL haven't finished my closet project...I have clothes all over the floor in there. But it's still better than what it was before I started.

Now I'm going to finish my strawberry lemonade and listen to something nice while I wait for lunch.

Edit:Ew I looked back and read all the past entries from Jan/Feb and they all mentioned me being sad or weird. REALLY hoping my March and April entries will be nicer.

hoping for a good March.
-K

02. 12. 23;

deleted

mood: nothing | listening to: nothing

[DELETED POST]


-K

02. 06. 23;

a short entry: new gets

mood: content | listening to: restless song - shadow community

I haven't been making much of an effort lately to socialize or reply to messages. I'm going to try my best and catch up today and tomorrow. My period wiped me out last week!! I feel like my pains get worse every month since I found out a couple years ago that I have uterine fibroids. I spent most of my time sleeping if I wasn't at work. Annoying. So I didn't get a lot of my To-Do list done, but I did go on a crazy cleaning spree...mostly because Poopy's best friend was going to be coming over to help us pick up and set up the new TV we got.

Our old TV. It was a 55" one. It's going to get moved into my gremlin cave and replace the TV I have in there. That TV is going to go in the bedroom..and the TV in the bedroom is going to be mounted in the garage for Poopy's workshop/workbench area.

The new TV!! It's massive. 85 inches. It does fit better in our living room but I was like why does it need to be so big? "For gaming," he replies. Of course lmao

I guess I can't complain too much when he is always so sweet and gifts me things I mentioned that I really wanted some girl scout cookies randomly and he comes home with a CASE of my favorite ones (Samoas!!) How can I eat all of those before they expire?? I can't especially since I'm trying to be more health conscious...I wonder if I can freeze them.

Poopy got invited to a Murder Mystery Dinner Party that's going to be happening in March. I said I would go....but I'm kind of regretting it already LMAO. I think I'm going to be really awkward and embarassed because I'm gonna be expected to be ~in character~ or whatever and idk. Totally not my scene...but he really wants to go and mingle with his peers so I'm gonna sacrifice my sanity and do it. We have to go and get our costumes sorted (which I think will be the only fun part tbh) soon. I just want to be prepared early, I guess. I don't enjoy drinking that much but I will definitely have to have some liquid courage so I can do this thing.

Anyways, things I have planned for the week:

Nothing too ambitious or crazy this week but I'm trying to set small, reachable goals.

short entry but i'm really tired!
-K

01. 30. 23;

cleaning cleaning cleaning

mood: ??? | listening to: vancouver 2 - mac demarco

I've been feeling a strange mix of restlessness and listlessness the past couple of weeks. I don't know...just a weird mixture of floating in the tiny slither of space between sad and happy. I give myself headaches trying to justify or figure out my weird moods. As often as I write about my stupidly sad moods, I hate doing it because I hate looking back at wretched I speak of myself when I'm feeling low, haha. It's always really embarassing but unfortunately all of my journals since girlhood had sprinklings of this stuff in them.

[Sidenote, I remember being so mad at my dad in middle school when he read my diary and got me into counseling. ACTUALLY...this is making something click in my head. I am an awfully and weirdly private person IRL (as my sister and Poopy have stated as well as my coworkers of many years) When I got married, I didn't even tell my own family for years LOL. My hangups about privacy 10000% has to do with how over my teenage years, my dad would periodically read my diaries and do a "wrist check" (I'm sorry if you know what I'm talking about..sigh) and my mom would always dig through my bookbags. Huh. It's all making sense now.. ]

Anyways, I've been working on fixing my sleep schedule, and that is going well! My journey into healthy and mindful eating is going well, too. I'm still trying to find the balance between being lazy and productive though. I think that will be a work in progress for the rest of my life...

So when I had a random burst of energy and determination, I decided to tackle my closet. I have NEVER through all of my life had a tidy and organized closet. And well...I decided that I don't want my own spaces to reflect what state my mind is in, if that makes sense? I figured having a clean space like this would help me. I do feel a bit lighter after cleaning, organizing and letting go of some very old and unused clothing and shoes.

The before (it's very bad I know):

...And after!

I ordered a bunch of organizational stuff and new hangers to make it nice. I still have yet to hang the clothes. I kind of want to get rid of the wire top rack first and put a flat wood shelf in its place, but raise it and the closet rod higher. I dont need a lot of shelf storage space (it'll encourage me to hoard) and honestly, the bottoms of the clothing hanging so near the shoe/purse shelves look so ugly to me. I'd like some space between! Though Poopy laughed and teased me because he doesn't think I'd be able to reach my clothes. Idk he might be right since I'm only 5'0" but whatever. I'll buy a shepards hook or something LOL.

I've spent some time playing Fire Emblem Engage and god, do I hate 99% of the character design. The designs I do like, I like in a sense of "Oh this would be cute if it was someone's OC." I really hate that they got a vtube/gacha designer to work on it. I am a hater 100% but I really do hate vtubers, vtuber simps, and the weird pathetic virtual-girlfriend-to-lonely-men culture. But I am unforgivingly judgmental and easily annoyed when it comes to that stuff LMAO. I wish I wasn't having such a negative experience with the game (because I love Fire Emblem as a series so much) but the cast is unlikeable at worst, or I'm just...indifferent to them at best. I don't want to get started on the writing. Or about how 10 year old Anna was a viable love interest originally...!! Honestly I could go on forever about how I feel about this stupid game. But I won't. If you frequent some of the same websites and forums that I do, you have probably ran across someone angrily venting about it. Know that that person was me. LOL


of course, i bought a pink cowprint case. not pictured: a pink cowprint phonecase i bought at the same time as this one. i can't say no to matching cases :3

Poopy randomly gifted me an iPad Pro ("Happy Thursday!" he said. Hehe he's so cute.) My friend Rissa was gracious and kind enough to hop on VC with me and shared her screen, walked me through a lot of the features of Procreate. I've been trying to get used to it but drawing on it is so hard? I'm very used to my PC and Wacom Cintiq setup. I'll be trying harder to get comfortable with it though. Having an iPad is a good way for me to get out of the house, even if it's just me going to a coffee shop to draw there. I'm trying my best!

Today I plan on opening one of the boxes my friend Nonnie sent me! I've gotta work on replying to DMs and emails today, too. I feel very lucky and blessed that I have such kind friends and people that care about me. It's enough to soothe the melancholy in my heart when I really take it in. I just love them lots! ♥

Work has been really busy for me the past two weeks, so I'm glad to have a little bit of downtime right now. I really wish I had a window if my office, because it's sunny, and I feel like being in the sunshine would do me good. I hope today goes by fast. I think I will take a walk this afternoon.

it's monday, so lets do our best!
-K

01. 17. 23;

laziness strikes again

mood: tired | listening to: if you love her - tokyo tea room



some weekend gets from Poopy! i'm very excited to re-read Paradise Kiss after many years.

This weekend was okay. I've had lots on my mind lately and some of it feels silly, but some of it feels like there's a black empty void that's waiting to swallow me whole. I've been really tired lately...having lots of trouble falling and staying asleep. I don't know why, nothing has really changed about my daily routine? I might add some light exercise into the mix to see if that will help with my sleep quality. I find that when I'm tired and sleep deprived my mood kind of dips...but then I can't tell if maybe I can't sleep because of my mood? It's a little like: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? At this point, who knows! I'm just tired of being tired.

Poopy was able to work in town last week, so that was nice after him traveling for work. On Saturday he went to a cookout to meet up with some old buddies of his, which was fine with me because I stayed home and started Stardew Valley! I had to install some mods though. Portrait ones were my main concern because I really didn't like how the characters looked in the base game...I'm a little shallow when it comes to art style in games lol but can you blame me when I was raised on Final Fantasy /(ㄒoㄒ)/~~

Also the base running speed was SO damn slow I had to get something to speed it up. I'm just not patient enough to spend 30mins-1hr of in-game time running across the screen. Efficiency, please...

This weekend wasn't productive at all, honestly. Things I meant to do:

Soo...the only thing I did was watch a movie lmfao! I did really enjoy the movie, though. I love Anya Taylor-Joy...she is so beautiful and talented. I thought it was a good movie, though I can understand why some really didn't like it. I think it resonated with me more because I'm an ~artist~ that fell into the whole internet clout fame machine and got chewed up and spit out LOL. I'm very glad that I made the decision a few years ago to delete my accounts with high follower counts because it is true! When something you love turns into work and you having to impress non-stop...it kinda makes you loopy. And homicidal. Maybe.

Just the thought of having those thousands of followers in the same room as me IRL makes me feel nauseous, hah. I'm glad I'm not trying to appease a sea of faceless people who have no practiced skill in art but don't hesitate to mouth off like they know everything and critique and prod and poke like they are Experts™ (one character exemplified this in the movie and I thought that their part of the movie was so brutally embarassing that it almost made me feel bad forreal heh.) I have lots of thoughts about The Menu for sure, so maybe I'll take the time to write a full on analysis-slash-review, but let's be real! I'm a lazy queen. I probably won't ♪(´▽｀)



a buffalo chicken salad i made with romaine and other stuff. me trying to get more protein in my diet ≧ ﹏ ≦

I'm setting some goals for this week, trying to be better to myself even if a little at a time. I'm aiming to excerise for at least 30 minutes three times this week. Try and eat a more whole foods! (I am like a junk food vegan minus the veganism) Consistent skincare! And DRINK MORE WATER!!! I keep drinking diet soda and I know it's so bad for my teeth...I got this, though! Gonna do my best.

victory fanfare soon
-K

01. 07. 23;

happy weekend

mood: good | listening to: C.Q.C - TORIENA

Okay so predictably, my mood is so much better now that Poopy is home. We spent the entire day together and I ignored some other stuff I wanted to do (reply to messages, put together the dyson, meal prep for the week, put away all the christmas decor! my tree is still up..) but I'll get to that stuff tomorrow. I'm really trying to be better with getting the things I want done promptly but that's still a work in progress.

Anyways a small photodump of some things things from this weekend:


swapped out the holiday candy in the candy dish for some valentines candy! is this really notable? no. but im kind of over the holiday aesthetics so i need to stop being lazy and get my house ready for spring. also, the strawberry & creme chocolates where so good!! though a bit sweet.

got some pretty flowers from the little flower shop by the farmers market. these are really pretty but i kind of messed up the arrangement when i placed them in the vase. i kind of want to learn flower arrangement so that might be something i'll add to my to-do list for the year! it would be good because i plan on starting a flower garden this spring.

the last of my christmas presents arrived. it's a custom LED light! Poopy got it made for me because he knows how much i love my fave. Seventh Heaven is the name of her bar. I think it's so freaking cute he got it in pink and white to match my room. He put it up for me and it pretty much completes the gremlin cave! now i just need to take the time to organize my figures in the left case and make my shelves look nice.


:o) <3

okie time to go to sleep
-K

01. 03. 23;

new year, old stuff

mood: weird | listening to: la petite fille de la mer - vangelis

I'm feeling very frustrated. And sad...I'm sure returning to work and being home alone for the week is worsening my pathetic mood. People without mental illness or mood disorders are so very lucky. They don't know how exhausting it is to flip flop between moods so quickly. I hate that I can be fine one day and then a few days later, I'm spiraling into what feels like a never-ending cycle of sadness. I'm tired of being sad! I have nothing to be so sad over! I live a blessed and good life. But I can never stop feeling that underlying current of sadness and loneliness even in my best of times. I feel like a girl lost in the sea...drifting forever and never lucky enough to find a shore to swim to. There is an ocean between my heart and my mind and I cannot keep living with this strange and nonsensical disconnect. It feels like a comedy to be so miserable in a life full of love and prosperity. I feel really ungrateful and rotten when I have these moods.

Anyway now that I've gotten that out of my system...it's time for me to sit down and think of New Years Resolutions. I think I only have a few this year, and hopefully they will be achievable for me:

I don't think I've ever successfully followed through on any previous resolutions (who has??) but I'll at least try. Minus the social media stuff, I pretty much make the same resolutions every year. I really wanted to add "Make ONE irl friend" but I think that's too ambitious. The one time I tried to use Bumble BFF did not work for me...I cannot relate to Moms and Outdoorsy Southern Belles. I may try that app again but I'm in that age group where you either have kids or you're single with 4 roommates and a bedtime of 2am daily, and I feel like it's hard to relate to either. I'm an old child-free buzzkill of a woman with a bedtime of 9pm. Or maybe I'm just an unhinged freak that cannot behave like a normal human being. Who knows!

I may actually take Poopy up the next time he offers me to tag along with him and his bestie when they do something. Just to do something that will get me out of the house and interact with people. Tbh the only time I'm out of the house is to spend money lmao so I think it'll do me some good to talk to other people irl besides my husband or my coworkers. My poor pink kayak is just sitting in the garage unused for the past couple of years. Maybe I'll ask him to go with me to the bay so we can paddle around and enjoy the outdoors when he comes home from his work trip! I think we will plan to go up to DC this spring/summer to visit my sister. I really want to go back to the Smithsonian Art Museum because we didn't get to see much of it last year. (On that note, I never want to go on vacation to the city with my parents again. Too annoying!) I also want to go on more roadtrips and weekend trips to other cities. (I really want to go to Tally for a weekend with a cooler in the trunk just so I can go to Trader Joes for the frozen food LOL) There's a lot of things I can do, so I want to try my best to do more than just lay about in my room in the dark. Manifesting a good year!!!

hopefully 2023 will be good to me!
-K