my hobbies include making myself suffer intentionally and unintentionally



NOV 21 2022;

in which i gush about my husband

mood: tired | listening to: UGLY - the GazettE

It has been SO cold lately!! My poor nose hurts from all the sniffling and kleenex-wiping. It usually doesn't get so cold down here. I actually really enjoy it because I can wear my kigu around the house in comfort but at the same time it's kind of alarming because of all the weird weather we've been having for the past year or so..which I really think is a result of global warming, but I have not researched much into it so I don't wanna say that's what it is outright. Nothing more embarassing than talking about something you don't know about lol. I wish more people had that attitude online and irl because you can absolutely tell when someone is talking out of their ass and the only research they've done is whatever post they've seen from Twitter or Facebook. Speaking of Facebook, we got a new person in the office and he had the gall to tell me that he tried looking me up on Facebook but couldn't find me. Which I guess is normal for the social climate and social media obssessed people of our time but IDK. It felt weird and invasive because prior to that conversation I have never said a word to this person. Jokes on you though bud! I haven't had a Facebook for years because of nosey people like you

Anyways, this weekend was relaxing and Poopy thought it was best that I take it easy because of how busy my work is going to be. He surprised me by buying us our first christmas tree!! I was over the moon. I just thought it was a very sweet gesture, and as usual I wanted to cry LOL. We spent most of Saturday shopping for ornaments, putting the tree together, and decorating. I was just so very happy, and I told him so. He thought it was funny that I said he doused my brain worms with pesticide but it's true! I don't want to sound cringe or anything, but my dear husband means so much to me Speaking of husbands though, I cannot say how much I love the fact that I've connected with or even just surfed the personal websites of other young 20s+ women with husbands on Neocities LOL. It makes me warm and fuzzy to know that I'm not alone on the internet, in the sea of kids who think once you pass 18, your only interests should be taxes and politics lmfao. I truly enjoy seeing the nerdy shrines and interests of other women like me!

Back to the Christmas stuff talk, we decorated early because of how busy it will be for us. Poopy is starting his Regional Director position soon and will be traveling a lot. I don't want to sound ungrateful because the money is crazy good but I'm gonna be kind of lonely having the whole house to myself (& Koya) most of the time. I just don't do very well being alone with my thoughts for too long...But I'll suck it up and stay strong, because he's working so hard to provide for us and our future. He had brought up me being a Stay At Home Wife, and while it does sound appealing (not having to deal with office politics and boomer MAGA dummies at work..) I think I would go crazy just staying home all the time. I like having a schedule and feeling useful and productive. We will probably revisit that conversation some time next year, I think.

He had also asked me if I wanted to pursue my dream of becoming a tattoo artist. I'm not so sure anymore...I think it would be amazing but my anxiety has gotten so bad the past few years that just the thought of starting something new makes my stomach hurt, haha. I very much suffer from being content in my complacency. Plus, I'm not sure if the repetitive motions will be good on my hands because of my autoimmune disease but huh. Who knows. I draw anyways in my free time so I'm not even sure if it'll be that different. I don't even really want to think about the whole thing though honestly because I really hate change

Anyways..the cozy holiday vibes of our living room makes me so happy! I don't really care about the Christmas holiday itself, but there's just something about the season I really enjoy. I showed my dad a picture of my living room and all he had to say was "isn't it early, thxgiving hasn't even passed" like man IDC about Thanksgiving lmao!! Let me enjoy all the twinkling lights and holiday scented candles rn n_n I rambled long enough about nothing and don't have anything else on my mind so I guess I will end this entry here and check my work emails now ;_;

happy monday!

NOV 14 2022;

rambling about nothing

mood: good | listening to: melting waltz - abel korzeniowski

Gosh I am writing an awful lot lately! I think it's because I've nearly cut my social media time down to zero, so I'm left with a lot of time to do the things I really enjoyed as a teen heh. Thinking on that, I really wish I hadn't nuked my Xanga and LiveJournal from highschool. I would LOVE to go back and read all the cringe that I had to express. My old usernames used to be xXbrighteyesXx and khaotickiki LMFAO! I think it's really funny and (almost) endearing that kids nowadays are into "scenecore"/"emo" aesthetics because half the time they get it wrong! Hah. I wonder if that's how adults felt when I was a teenager when certain 80s aesthetics came back into style.

This weekend was okay. I didn't get much drawing fact, I really can't remember what I've done the past three days besides going to the weekly movie night at my parent's house and watching the new Hellraiser. (Which I found kind of boring, honestly. However, I was surprised that I got so squicked out by the gore? Very unusual for me as someone that grew up on shock sites and 4chan. But, I've read about others who also grew up surfing those sites that have also gotten more sensitive to "realistic" gore as they aged. Very curious about the reason/psychology behind that. If anyone knows, please do tell me! :3)

Anyway, my mood was kind of down again. I told Poopy that the brainworms were infesting my head again so we took Koya out to the pier! It really cleared my mind...made me happy. And I got to watch her lil chonky self try to run after the pigeons (so very cute!) It was pretty cold, so we tried to warm up with hot chais from the donut place around the corner...but it didn't work. It was a lovely day though! ♥ (I am so tempted to be like please excuse my nails in the last picture :o( but why should I, right? I'm working on not apologizing or feeling bad about being in my natural state!!)

It was mail day yesterday! So the last couple of things I ordered for my art room arrived. I'm thinking that for now it will be the last of my purchases for a long while for that room, but I also feel like it's always going to be a work in progress because of how indecisive I am. What arrived: the pink ceramic heart knobs I ordered to replace the wooden round ones on my vanity, a kuromi keycap for my escape key, cherub curtain tiebacks, the chandelier, and a random little lantern. And while I am SO happy with my purchases...I can't help but think that I am a bit of a consoomer....I want to try and make more mindful purchases from now on. I think that will be something I work towards in 2023.

Anywho, a pic dump of everything + room updates:

The little bit of drawing I was able to do was pretty sucessful though, I think. I was finally able to get the design down for my little fly demon, named Amelia! She's a pilot and I wanted her goggles to resemble fly eyes. She's a tinkerer and scrounges around people's garbage to find stuff she can use for her inventions. I was aiming for a bit of a retro, 90/00s-ish vibe so hopefully that came through!

Hoping that I can keep the creative juices flowing and work some more on my OCs and the site! I have lots of things I would like to get back to (since I fell off the productivity wagon nearly a month ago) including: a healthier diet, using my treadmill, and being more active in my discord communities! Trying very, very hard to keep positive and busy, as I don't want to sink into a funk again.

wish me luck!

NOV 8 2022;

lots of feminine rage

mood: annoyed | listening to: under giant trees - agnes obel

Sooooo the curtains arrived so fast? We got them put up last night and OMG! I love the result. I'm so thrilled!

On a more...serious (?) note, I find myself super agitated today. Granted, I started my period..RIGHT AFTER recovering from the flu so it's like..why are you beating my ass, body? HUH!? My mood in the last 24 hours has also been wonky. My monthly uber-depression strikes again..I always feel so lonely and friendless on my period, but then when the week passes I'm back to being my socially-avoidant, introverted self lmao! ANYWAYS the whole reason I wanted to write today is to get some stuff off my chest because I am just so irritated!!

I grow SO tired of males...even the ones in one of my discord friend circles. Everything has to end up in lewd jokes and coomer antics and I can't stand it. LIKE HOW DOES A PICTURE OF MY HOBBY ROOM END UP IN GROSS THIRSTY REMARKS???? I am so tired of the male gaze!! I'm tired of them pornify-ing everything!! Sometimes I hate being a woman because I am constantly reminded that males will view us as meat. Limbs to pick apart and fetishize. Features to bastardize and obssess over in perverted and sick ways. It makes me ill because I feel like even the nicest and politest of men will do it too. It makes me anxious to be perceived by men...Last week, I walked into the breakroom at work to grab a snack from the vending machine and a bunch of males that work in a different department were sitting at the tables, so I just turned around and walked out. Like, I would rather starve than be near a bunch of them...This makes me sound crazy, probably. I should definitely go to therapy and process my past ~traumas~ but I'm scared of therapy (sounds silly huh?)

Like idk, I'm not really bothered by the female gaze, or sexuality...female nsfw artists, etc. But I just feel like there is something so sinister behind male sexuality LOL but I think that 1000% has to do with me and my past experiences. Anyways, this rant is kinda nonsensical but I feel better getting it off of my chest so I guess now I can get back to what I was doing.

back to work!

NOV 07 2022;

house updates!

mood: calm | listening to: heir encore - charles aznavour

Finally! Got over the flu. It was so miserable, I'm glad I'm almost 100% better. Right now I'm still dealing with the residual cough and post-nasal drip (gross!!) but I'm glad my energy levels are coming back. I can't wait to get back to drawing and working on the things I like without feeling winded. This weekend was filled with naps and housework. I ended up getting really tired and not being able to organize my video games and bookshelves like I wanted to, but I was able to put out my new rug in my hobby room! After seeing it down, it really added the missing factor that was bothering me but...I still need to get curtains!! I was driving myself nuts with what color to choose, because my room is admittedly..very eclectic. Someone described the aesthetic as Cute!Cruella, which made me laugh but it's probably true?? I really didn't stick to a theme so it's kind of chaotic but it also really works (in my opinion lol! I'm sure there are people out there that would find it tacky and offensive to the eyes haha!) I really just wanted to mix the things I love--kawaii, vintage/antiques, and patterns! I asked Poopy, my sister, my internet friends and even r/femalelivingspaces on reddit (ick but I was desperate LOL) about which curtain color to go with. The most picked choice was pink, but I felt like that might have been too much? I feel like there needs to be some sort on contrast.

Anyways, I ended up making a very sloppily made and edited collage on my phone:

and I STILL couldn't decide. I really did like the black and white vertical stripes but Poopy didn't like it much (so I was second guessing myself ofc..) I ended up choosing my sister's choice of lavender/lilac. The curtains arrive this week so I will put them up and hopefully love them! If not..I'll just return them and try again. I plan on replacing that boob light with a small and cute chandelier. Updates on that soon (maybe!) Honestly, I'm rushing to get the house ready because my sister will be coming home and spending the Christmas holidays with the family so I really want her to like my house!

We ended up finishing the dining room yesterday. (Well, almost. I would still like to thrift a few vintage brass frames for a few of the pictures on the wall..) We replaced the modern chandelier we had with this more traditional one. It's black and brass and I am just so thrilled with the result!!! Poopy put up and painted the chair rails on the wall which really finished the room. This week we will be finishing up adding the rest of the box molding on the walls in the living room and foyer. It's a lot of fun and feels so ~adult~ working on your home with DIY projects and decorating! A little expensive too, but I'm becoming so happy in our spaces, it's worth it.

I just often laugh at the contrast of the vibe of the rest of the house, kind of "light academia" in the entertaining areas and "dark academia" in the library, master bedroom and (soon-to-be) armory but then BAM! My hobby room is like kawaii vomit and weebshit all condensed and packed into one space. But I'm glad to have my own area where I can be weird.

what a good weekend!

NOV 2 2022;

art thoughts & whatnot

mood: sick | listening to: time - shoji meguro

October was a fairly quiet and unproductive month..It was good to have a break but sometimes I can't tell if I was just resting or if I have fallen back into a bit of a depressive spell? I did not do a lot of personal art or anything I had planned on, really. I wanted to do my own spin on Inktober (lovingly called Pinktober haha!) I was really excited to do some cute creepy and pink art, but I just fell off the wagon hard. I still have a couple of trades and commissions I'm trying to work on, and I do feel bad that it's taking me so long but I just can't force myself to draw when I'm not feeling it. I think I've come to the conclusion that I...just simply don't enjoy drawing 90% of people's OCs, honestly. I think it mostly has to do with me being spineless or feeling bad when I have to turn someone down, so I accept anything even if the aesthetic is the polar opposite of what I like drawing. After I've finished this batch, I think I will close my commissions indefinitely..or maybe just start being very choosy about what I want to do. I feel lucky and blessed that I am at a point in my life where I don't have to use my art as a side hustle for once. It feels good! I'm hoping that I can just spend my time drawing what I like and doing trades with other artists for fun.

At the end of the month, Mom wanted to celebrate her birthday by going to some ~luxury~ casino a few states away. It was fine for the most part, I enjoyed the food and the sights but I just really don't enjoy gambling. So I didn't spend any money on slots or anything (it's a waste of time and money!!) and just loitered around the different floors of the resort and got to take in a lot of the neat interior design. It made me miss my old job designing sales floors and stuff, but I'm ultimately more comfy where I am now (though I did gain some of the dreaded desk-job weight :o( ) Anyways, we went to a popular brasserie known for their GIANT was just okay. The atmosphere was cute and ritzy, the music much too loud, the people fun and friendly. I wished my sister was able to join us, though her job and distance from us makes it kind of impossible. We had a banana split that was enough to feed an entire family, even though on the menu it said the serving was for 2. Even split between 3 people, we have over half the sundae left. I felt kind of bad leaving it (I hate wasting food!) but I'm glad my mom got to experience something off of her bucket list.

Earlier this month we took Koya (our adopted senior pup!) to the vet to refill her hypothryoidism medication, and got her weighed on their scale..I was really disappointed it said she gained weight, though we've been walking her daily and feeding her specialized dog food. On our home scale, it says she lost weight plus, she just looks visibly slimmer! And Poopy told me that she feels quite a bit lighter when he has to carry her...and she's started to jump on and off our couches, which she never did when she looked a bit fatter. I think the vet's office just needs to recalibrate their scale. I don't know why I'm fixated on this enough to write about it, but my anxiety makes me do silly things and has me going in thought-circles...I guess I just needed to write all this down!

I'm hoping November will be a better month for me art-wise. I don't think we have much going on as my sister won't be able to make it down for Thanksgiving. Makes me a bit sad I won't have anyone to binge watch the latest shonen anime with but at least she will be coming home in December during the time I'm taking leave from work! It'll be the first time in years that we will get to spend Christmas and New Years together since she got married and whisked away up north!!!

hoping today is a good day!